Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
