I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
