i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
