A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
