omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
