Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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