i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
The power of my boobs compel you
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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