I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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