Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
