Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
