fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize