Soap is not a condiment
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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