So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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