you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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