Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
