Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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