just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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