Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
