I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
there is glitter all over my balls
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize