So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
