Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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