He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
