I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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