Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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