take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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