booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
