Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
