I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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