Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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