dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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