then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
