I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
