I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
