I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
