Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
