Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
