Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
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