So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
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