You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize