Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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