fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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