Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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