You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
