why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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