I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
