This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
