I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
