I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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