Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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