Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
