i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
