I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
