i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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