Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
