What a fucking waste of an outfit
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize