I puked a lego.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
