What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
