Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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