I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
