whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
