you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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