I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
