i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I think I won the penis lottery.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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