I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
