I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
then he tried to convert me to islam
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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