Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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