One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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