Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
