I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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