No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
