apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
